Are you an asshole or a pervert?

You work in an office.

In a beige cubicle.  A beigeicle.

You don’t feel like working, but you’ve been caught surfing the internet too many times and feel like an asshole.  You decide to change your desktop background, even though you’ve already changed it 5 times this month.  After all, changing your background is a legitimate activity that no one can bust your balls about.  You make the picture selection process last as long as possible.  You search Bing and Google images, and realize that slightly pornographic pictures turn up for search terms as innocent as “cozy” and “peaceful”.  You realize that instead of reading your favorite blog and looking like an asshole, you uncomfortably scroll quickly past pictures of women’s cozy cleavage and peaceful bikini clad bodies and look like a pervert.  Congratulations.

You’ve Got Mail, the sequel!

You’ve Got Mail. Tom Hanks. Meg Ryan.  If you have a vagina, you love this movie.

Guy meets girl in chatroom.  Emails ensue.  They begin to fall in love over the web, and he just so happens to be behind the big box bookstore that is about to put her charming independent bookstore out of business.  They make it through the drama and end up together….happily ever after.

The movie needs a sequel. This just NEEDS to happen.  So I am coming up with a storyline.

Kathleen Kelley (Meg Ryan) secretly becomes obsessed with e-readers.  She loves reading on her Kindle, but keeps it a secret from Joe Fox (Tom Hanks).  Her hobby becomes an obsessive, hoarding-like habit. She buys e-readers everywhere she goes.  She secretly opens an e-reader sales shop in her old store front at The Shop Around the Corner.  Her business thrives while Fox Books goes under due to the weakening economy and the popularity of ebooks.  Joe Fox, how about a taste of your own medicine!? Fox Books is forced to close its chain of stores, and discovers Kathleen’s digital affair.  Their relationship is on the rocks.  The night that he moves onto his mini-yacht, they each get lonely and try to find other fish in the sea.  This is when they discover that one can no longer meet the love of his or her life in a chatroom on the internet (unless, of course, the love of your life is a sweaty, bald, porn-addicted slob named Billybob).

Yes, I’m sure I was the first person to ever think of this

 

 

Yes, mammals

I went to the zoo with my parents.  Delirious from the heat, we approach this indoor exhibit:

The conversation that ensued:

Mom: Mammals??

Me: Yes, mammals.  Like, people.

Mom: Uh oh, the zoo’s got an exhibit full of small people.

truth or dare…do you dare!?

As a rational human being, it is important to exercise my ability to understand the cost benefit of certain decisions…weighing the pros and cons, if you will.  So you ask, how do you do this in daily life as a way to express your divine nature as a sentient being with free will?  Do you seek THE TRUTH!?  The truth lies in the body of this post:

I sat in my car on the freeway, gearing up for a ride home in traffic that would turn a 30 minute drive into 1 hr.  I scrunched my nose and THERE IT WAS…a feeling of dread came over me.  I realized that residing in my left nostril was a hard, sizeable booger.  Unfortunately, a tissue supply was not residing anywhere in my car. It was in that moment that I had to make an important decision: WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT!?

Options:

-Do nothing, and remain in discomfort for the duration of the drive.

-or-

-Risk everything, and get it out with my nekked finger, roll down my window, and pray for the cars ahead to speed up so the wind could whisk away the nostril invader.

I think you know what I decision I made.  Look at the blurry picture below that looks like something they would show as evidence on America’s Most Wanted.  Does this look like a girl who lives with discomfort?  Or does this look like a woman who stands like a lone reed in the wind, stomping away at the eggshells of a conformist life!  You tell me!!

 

the sun ruined it

At a Spring Training game, I ended up sitting next to a man who thought it was a great idea to store his tickets underneath the bottom of his shorts…right between some khaki and his sweaty thigh.  Apparently his cargo pockets were strictly ornamental.  Recognizing the blog-ibility of the situation, I whipped out my phone to snap a picture.  I pointed it toward the field, pretending to get a pic of baseball player ass, and quickly pointed it down toward his leg.  Unfortunately, the sun shining against his pale skin caused the tickets to be almost unrecognizable in the picture.  He may or may not have noticed me taking the picture, because a few moments later, he put the tickets in his pocket and shifted his legs away from me. :/ Busted.  He must have known the baseball player asses were not picture-worthy…their pants were just way too baggy.  What’s happening to the integrity of the sport!?

Adult Themed Content

I sat in a waiting room.  I noticed that there was a jungle themed mural in a corner with teeny tiny chairs.  I assumed this was the “kid’s corner” of the waiting room.  Though, I’m not exactly sure what about it was supposed to entertain children.  Jungle mural.  Chairs.  That was all…..unless you count this monkey on the mural, who to me looks like he is about to partake of some adult themed content from the banana in his hands.  In that case, maybe it wasn’t a kid’s corner…maybe it was a corner of the waiting room in which all of the kinky midgets must sit?

Whodunnit: my bloody valentine

To my absolute surprise, I received these at work today:

…the card on the inside revealed a kind note from Javier Bardem, explaining that he smells as lovely as I always assumed.

Not that I suffer from low self-esteem…but I have a pretty good idea that Mr. Bardem is a bit busy tending to a lovely Valentine’s with Penelope Cruz.

SO.  That means that it is one of YOU! You know who you are, and I do not!  While I am not usually one to cling to mysteries, and never resort to violence, Valentine’s Day can do some crazy things to people.  So I will provide the following ultimatum.  I received this lovely bear with the flowers:

If nobody fesses to this crime of kindness, this bear is gonna get it.  I don’t mess around.  I’ve got a stuffing-thirsty scoundrel ready to attack:

…and she means business.

You have 10 hours to confess your kindness via facebook or email.  The clock is ticking.

CAUTION: Contains nudity (of a barbie doll)

I was walking my dog last night through the park and came across this:

I apologize for the dark photo, but I think you get the picture.  That is a beheaded, naked barbie doll with her dress laying next to her.  Is it just me, or did barbie’s pimp let her down?   Poor barbie.  She was in luck, though…my dog’s urine stream missed her by about an inch.  She was only splashed with pee.

oh well

This morning as I was making my bed, I remembered all of a sudden that there was something funny that happened that I had wanted to share on the blog…but I could not remember for the life of me what it was.

Then, I realized that nothing had actually happened in real time…I realized it had actually been in my dream the previous night. Unfortunately, the only detail I remembered from the dream was that something funny had happened…but I could not remember for the life of me what it was.