She’s going to grab your crotch…

A few weeks ago, I was sitting on the back porch in the evening.  The night was calm, and my boyfriend and I were having a nice conversation while drinking red wine.  It was a perfect evening.  We started talking about my good friend Liz, a hairstylist, who would be cutting his hair the next day….

Me: I’m so excited you’re going to meet Liz, she’s basically family to me.  You’ll love the way she cuts your hair.  I told you that she and I met in 1st grade, right?

Him: Yes, you told me.

Me: Oh, of course, I think I’ve told you a million times by now.  I’m just so excited.  So…there’s something I want to tell you about meeting Liz for the first time.

Him: Okkkayy, what?

Me: She’s going to grab your crotch.

Him: (look of intrigue / disbelief )  What!?  Is that like her handshake or something?

Me: Nooo!  No way.  It’s just this thing my friends and I do.  Every time Liz meets a guy I’m dating for the first time, she grabs his crotch.

Him: WHY?! HOW?!  You can’t be serious.

Me: Come on!  You know that me and my friends are gutsy girls.  It’s like a test.  To see how guys respond.  To see what the reaction toward her is, and to see if he ever ends up telling me about it….or just says that he always wants to get his hair cut there, you know what I mean?   She does it when she takes you to the back room to shampoo your hair. I’ve never told anyone about this beforehand, but I didn’t want you to fail “the test”.  I just really like you, and I don’t want there to be a reason for anything to go wrong.

Him: (slightly pale)  I kind of wish you hadn’t told me.  I don’t know what I’m gonna do, or how I should respond.  How should I respond?!  I just want it to be overwith now. 

Me: (barely able to contain myself, because I can’t believe I’ve totally carried on the joke this long).  She’s not going to grab your crotch.  I’m totally making it all up….but now it sounds like a really good idea!   We should try it out on someone else’s boyfriend!!

Sexy Ladies Cure Everything

I was walking through a parking lot and this stopped me in my tracks:

I am pretty sure I know exactly what happened…

Problem:  “Darn it, I love this new car, but there’s a creeepy evil clown airbrushed in the middle of the bumper!!”

Solution: “I know!  I’ll get sexy, pretty ladies air brushed on the sides of the bumper to make up for it. Yesssss.  I rock.”

I am moron, hear me ROAR!!

The only thing that redeems me from constantly pointing out the moronic occurrences (and people) in life, is the fact that I can just as easily admit that I’m a huge moron, and laugh my ass off about it.  It’s all about making your cake and eating it, too.

I’m looking to buy a new car, and scored an AMAZING 5-day test drive on a Ford Focus.  I *love* the car.  On day 4 I got back to work from lunch and almost made the horrible mistake of parking on the passenger side of the car of a volunteer who is 70+yrs old…for some reason that just didn’t seem like a good idea…so I pulled out of that spot and parked on the other side of the volunteer’s car.  The other side of my car was protected by a short block wall fence, so no more worrying about those pesky door dings!

I leave work at 5 and remain in the parking spot while trying to figure out this amazing thing called SYNC to make a call to my mom over the car’s speakers and brag about how awesome the car is.  I push the necessary buttons and I can hear her phone ringing over the speakers.  With self-satisfaction and pride, I put the car in reverse, turn the wheel and back out of my spot….and realize I just backed the car into that protective block wall.  I yell “SHIT SHIT SHIT!” and hurriedly push the mute button to make sure my mom didn’t hear me cussing.  I tell my mom I have to call her back and run to the back of the car.  I look at the left side of the back bumper and breathe a HUGE sigh of relief and say “YES! NOT A SCRATCH!”….then, I realize I’m looking at the wrong side of the bumper.  Here’s what I really did:

Yes, I’m a moron.

What exactly do you mean?

Today I received one of those cheesy friendship email forwards.  Yeah. Whatever.  Get them all the time.  These types of things usually elicit nothing but a grunt and a click on the delete button from me.

But today’s cheesy forward was different…because rather than this thing being sent to me, it was sent to 1 person, and cc’ed to me and another friend.  CC? CC? CC?!?!?!?! Is this to indicate some absurb tier of friendship?  

Does it mean that I should just kinda let me heart leap when I read the email’s poem that reads “Here’s a little hug for you, to make you smile when you feel blue, To make you happy if you’re sad, To let you know…life ain’t so bad!”

…so I suppose, as a cc’ed recipient, I’ll just interpret that poem as a 1-armed awkward side hug?  I’m so confused!